Yesterday, I lost someone I loved very deeply. This is possibly the hardest news I've ever had to take. And I can only write this with a severely broken heart. My grandmother is now gone. A deep part of myself is now missing. This wound will take the longest to heal.
As part of this healing process, I'd like to remember all of the good things about her life. As well as the parts of my life I spent with her. While she was.... (The simple act of changing "is" to "was" is hard.) As I was saying, she was nowhere near perfect, but her flaws are what make my Grannie so unique. Perhaps, I should say "made" instead of "make". Oh well...
Despite her flaws and quirks, this woman changed my life for the better. It began slowly. It wasn't until recently I became aware of how important her and my grandfather are to me. How each talk, each visit, was not to be taken for granted. I'm not just saying that because she's gone now. I realized this long before her death. I still can't fathom that she's really not here.
Suddenly, all of those trips to the grocery store are more important than ever. Every time my grandpa would drive us in the big white truck to grab only a handful of items at the store, my grandmother and I would wander around and a handful became a cart full. Everything in the cart was of-course either on sale or she had a coupon for it. I remember going to Wal-Mart to get cans or Cream of Mushroom Soup, but they only had one can of the cheaper brand. So we waited 20 minutes for an employee to find another can of the same kind in the back, even though the other cans of the same soup were only 5 cents more expensive.
We'd come back to the truck and my grandpa would always say "Oh hell, what did you buy now?".
I miss the random things we'd laugh about. I miss the trips we used to take across the U.S. I miss laughing at her purple pants that were no funnier than the other pairs she owned. I miss watching her scribble on notepads and wiggling her toes every time she talked on the phone. I miss talking to her the most. I could tell her about nothing and she'd still be smiling and happy to talk about it. I miss having coffee with her on the porch every morning. Or how we'd drink coffee until about 5pm and finally get around to making breakfast.
Every Sunday morning she'd wake and make coffee, then turn on the old gospel music on the radio until 10am when Joel came on T.V. Her dream was to go to The Lakewood Church in Houston so she could see Joel Osteen and hear the music they didn't play during T.V. time.
I love the way she loved Elvis. I love that she would never let a day go by without telling me how much she loved me a hundred times before you could get her off the phone.
I miss everything about her. I love everything about her.
And I can only thank her for so many things.
It is because of my grandmother that I found God. I didn't understand as a kid why we'd have to pray at every meal or why she needed to read her bible every single day though she had read it many times before. Now I do. She had a direct connection to the Lord. Everyday she talked to God more than people..(and she talked to people A LOT) I understand what faith, love, hope, and happiness is because of her.
The second thing I have to thank her for is her stories. My father died when I was still an infant. I never got to know him like the rest of my family. Through her stories, however, I've grown to feel close to him. Like how he'd come to her house during the holidays and eat the whole box of chocolate covered cherries and leave a note in the fridge letting her know they needed to buy more. Or how he never had a Christmas without listening to Elvis while decorating the tree.
Now, my father, his brother (Uncle Tim), my grandfather (Papa Ed), and my grandmother are all back together in heaven.
I know that's what she wanted. She missed her sons more than anything in the world. But now she's left behind my Grandpa, who is also suffering from a broken heart. I'm going to watch over him, but this is going to be difficult for all of us. I've never seen him like this before.
My grandmother is and was a beautiful, kind, loving, charismatic woman. She taught me hundreds of life lessons, about God, about family, about cooking....about the world. I have made the promise that I will now continue my life doing the things she believed I could. Her faith in my successes are now the fuel for me to push forward and make all of my goals and dreams come true.
That includes: getting healthy and in shape, getting many promotions at work and making it to an Artistic Director, travelling the world, meeting good people, having a strong Faith and relationship with God, and lastly being the best person I know how to be.
All of which will happen, though I can't say it's going to be easy. I am so used to picking up the phone and calling her to talk about good things, or to just check in. I'm going to miss her voice on the other end of that phone. Until then, I still have her voice on my voicemail messages on my phone.
There's so much more to say about this amazing woman, but I'll spare you the details.
I love you Grannie, more than the world. Truly, this world is not the same without you. I'm thankful for the time we've had together, and for the lessons you've taught me. I have regrets but only that I didn't have more time with you. Send my love to Pop and Uncle Tim and all of the family. I will see you again someday.
